The dating game

I never thought much about what it would be like to date after my divorce. Maybe some folks think about it, but it was the last thing on my mind. It took me two years to consider it. And when I did. . . Let's just say the results have been something short of spectacular. Mickey Rooney short.

I met the first man while having dinner at a local establishment in Tallahassee. He was here on special assignment for the Marines. I should have known from the first that we probably didn't share many interests when he told me he didn't know Tallahassee was the capital of Florida. He assumed it was Jacksonville. I overlooked it because he was from Georgia, originally from Michigan. The next night I decided we would go to dinner downtown and sit outside at Andrews within view of the tall capitol building - Tallahassee's only sky scraper. I ordered a glass of wine, and he ordered a pitcher of beer.

"So this is where the hoopla took place during the 2000 election. Katherine Harris came down here and the reporters hung out at Andrews," I said.

"Why?"

"The 2000 election? Hanging chads, Al Gore, George W. Bush?" I ventured.

A blank look told me he thought I spoke a foreign language. The waiter deposited my glass of wine and one pitcher of beer with one glass.

I was at a loss, but he filled the gap to tell me about his ex-wife with the crack habit taking care of their 14 year old daughter.

"Do you think I should try for custody?" he asked.

I no longer remember his name; I simply call him Moron, with apologies to anyone this might offend.

The waiter returned, and I hoped to get the check, but my date had other plans.

"This pitcher got warm before I could finish it, so bring me a bucket of beer this time," Prince Charming Moron said.

On his second beer from the bucket, he had another tale to tell.

"My mother and I don't get along," he said.

"Why not?" I asked wondering how to feign the plague so I could get out of this hell.

"Well, back when I used to drink a lot. . ." he began.

I gulped my wine.

"One night I beat up my sister, and my mother had me thrown in jail."

First date ended.